This has been a long overdue update.
My passion for a midwifery career has really changed over this past year. Perhaps at one point it was my dream, but it isn't anymore. There were subtle hints over the past several months that made me realize things changed, but I was thinking of pushing through them and focusing on graduating. Towards the end of the spring term (around May/June), I struggled so hard with whether I should withdraw or take a leave of absence to think about my future goals.
Another thing that was happening was that I was in danger of failing Intrapartum. I mentioned this in a previous post. I felt that I studied hard for the last exam but failed it anyway, subsequently failing the course. Two course failures in the program meant dismissal from the program. However, I was given an option to appeal. But given everything that had been going through my mind at that time, I knew what the right thing to do was. So I went ahead and withdrew (which was also given to me as an option, rather than being dismissed).
I'm no longer a nurse-midwifery student. It's been a little sad, but I feel so much at peace with my decision. I didn't withdraw because the program was hard (because really, is graduate school expected to be easy?). It was hard, but that isn't the sole reason I left. I didn't feel right about continuing to study for the degree when my heart wasn't in it. So much time and money spent, and I still had clinicals to get through. It wasn't right for me to continue.
Truthfully, nursing has been difficult since I started nursing school and still continues to create not-so-great feelings and is a big source of anxiety in my life. I'm not going to list everything because if you didn't think I was a whiny person already, you would when you read my list - and yes, I did write a list and have posted it in some places.
I don't see myself working in the hospital environment in the long run. I'm seeking a career change, but I feel it will be gradual, as the income I get from my hospital nursing job provides very well for my needs.
I still fully support midwifery. If I ever have children, I want to see a midwife for my care. I want to have a homebirth or a birth center birth. I am still quite gung-ho about breastfeeding. I love neonates. But I just don't see myself in a midwifery role in the future.
I'm sorry it took so long to let you all know. I wasn't sure what everyone's reactions would be. I am at peace with my decision and have no regrets about it. Thanks for reading this long post.